Unwanted Advice

Today’s Entry comes from Wayne and Tamara, who need some lessons in Facebook.

 

A Blight on Society

I need an outside opinion. I have been with my fiancé 10 years. He cheated with his high school sweetheart almost three years ago, before we became engaged. It was one of the most painful times in my life.

[To summarize in one sentence what it took her three paragraphs: They broke up, but got back together a year ago]

Four days ago my fiancé left for a mission to Haiti, and with his absence I learned I missed him and had truly forgiven him for the affair.

Later that evening I updated his Facebook FarmVille game, a pastime he and his daughter love to share daily. As I was going through all the gifts from his online friends so he would not lose points, I came across a message from who else but his high school sweetheart.

It was dated two weeks before, and she wanted to congratulate him on his engagement. She said she didn’t know about it because he didn’t tell her, and that was followed by question marks. I admit I then pulled all his Facebook messages to see if there were more. Nothing.

At first I was jealous, then I found myself wondering why he was still in touch with her after he promised not to. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t shed one tear. I just cannot believe I am here again with the same people!

I removed my ring and placed it in the jewelry box that night. I’m not sure I can get married in the eyes of God when I do not trust him.

Later that night I called my mother. She told me, “We all have to endure this in relationships.” My best friend says I have too much at stake to walk away, but I keep thinking about all the e-mails and letters from before. It’s as though it happened all over again.

Sally

Wayne and Tamara take up half their response telling a totally unrelated story about some other woman who basically was cheated on, and cried about it during a speech she was giving 20 years later.  They go on to say:

…You can have ideas of forgiveness, you can talk about setting boundaries, you can parrot the latest jargon in psychology. It doesn’t matter. Betrayal will affect you this way because this reaction is built into us.

We receive letters from people whose spouse was unfaithful 20, 30 or 40 years ago. We receive letters from people whose unfaithful spouse is long dead. They still struggle to cope with agonizing memories.

Your friend says you have too much at stake to walk away. Actually, there is too much at stake to stay.

This is just another example of how Facebook and Farmville destroy people’s lives.  One minute you’re spending real time feeding imaginary animals and plants, and the next you are thinking of backing out of a real relationship because of what essentially amounts to spam. Are you serious?

You say “I found myself wondering why he was still in touch with her after he promised not to.”  What makes you think that?  Your fiancee has no control over which random people he has left behind in his life will show up in his Facebook. No one does.  Based on her general cluelessness, his total lack of response, and zero other communications, it seems  like there has been no contact but her single intrusion. You should do what he obviously did, and ignore and forget about it.

He didn’t tell you about it, but that’s not hiding something from you, it’s hiding a nothing from you.  Yes, people who were unfaithful in the past should be a lot more transparent, but disclosures like this, which are meaningless to him and only serve to make you paranoid are probably best left unmentioned.

I think the real problem is that you discovered this while your fiancee was busy doing missionary work in another country.  I’m sure if he were there, this would be easily explained and be a non-issue.  But since you are alone, it’s left to stew in your mind and make you crazy.

My only advice to you then would be this.  If you can’t handle unwanted overtures on Facebook, the next time your fiancee is off feeding starving children, you let his virtual crops die.

Time for another Close Reading, where I don’t even wait until the end to give my advice. This one comes from Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help with a problem I’m having with my husband, “Fred.” (I’ll bet he’s cheating) He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. (Not looking good) It is so bad that I’m not even allowed to hold his phone – even if he is trying to show me a video on it. (Strike Two) His laptop is password-protected. (Yeah, he’s cheating)

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, “Because these things are mine. (Translation: I don’t want you to catch me cheating) I feel as if he is hiding something. (another woman) I know I shouldn’t be paranoid (oh hell yes you should), but since he was unfaithful in the past (Wait.. WHAT??), I have my suspicions. (It’s happened before and you still don’t see it??) Please let me know what I can do to solve this (Not what you did last time – it didn’t work). – Left Out in Little Rock (Put him out)

Today’s question comes from Wayne and Tamara.  They are relationship counselors with syndicated columns runs in newspapers in over a dozen countries.

Keep your friends close, but not too close

My husband and I have been married a year, together for seven. Recently we came to a bump in our relationship where we noticed we were drifting apart. We are working on reconnecting.

The problem is my husband tells his close friends about everything, including our lack of connection. I was surprised he revealed such intimate details.

I find it hard to hang around his friends when they come to our house. I wonder how much they know. The real kicker is one of his best friends is a nice woman who I’ve long suspected has a crush on my husband.

When I am out of town at conferences or working long hours to support him through school, these two hang out, go for coffee or watch movies at her apartment.

I truly believe he is oblivious to this woman’s advances, but something feels off about the whole scenario, like when he forgot my birthday but made a birthday card for her. I just wish I had the closeness he seems to have with his friends.

Calling your husband obilivous is like the pot calling the kettle black. People don’t drift apart.  They drift from someone to someone else. In your case that someone else is this other woman. Bitch needs to get gone.

Usually at this point, I have to tell people like you that your partner is cheating, but this is a close one. Your letter doesn’t have the usual red flags.. but there is cause for concern.

He really does have one ball.

Here’s how you kill two (love)birds with one stone.  Arrange a get together with him and his friends, including this woman.  Pick a fight with your husband, during which you should comment how he is “half a man who only has one ball (get it.. one stone).”  At this point, watch the woman’s reaction.  If she looks really confused, then she knows first hand you’re lying.  If she looks surprised, she probably hasn’t gotten to him yet,  and probably bought you a bit more time.  Follow that up with “still think sharing intimate details is a good idea?” and it should quickly put the issue to rest.