Unwanted Advice

Today’s question comes from Wayne and Tamara.  They are relationship counselors with syndicated columns runs in newspapers in over a dozen countries.

Keep your friends close, but not too close

My husband and I have been married a year, together for seven. Recently we came to a bump in our relationship where we noticed we were drifting apart. We are working on reconnecting.

The problem is my husband tells his close friends about everything, including our lack of connection. I was surprised he revealed such intimate details.

I find it hard to hang around his friends when they come to our house. I wonder how much they know. The real kicker is one of his best friends is a nice woman who I’ve long suspected has a crush on my husband.

When I am out of town at conferences or working long hours to support him through school, these two hang out, go for coffee or watch movies at her apartment.

I truly believe he is oblivious to this woman’s advances, but something feels off about the whole scenario, like when he forgot my birthday but made a birthday card for her. I just wish I had the closeness he seems to have with his friends.

Calling your husband obilivous is like the pot calling the kettle black. People don’t drift apart.  They drift from someone to someone else. In your case that someone else is this other woman. Bitch needs to get gone.

Usually at this point, I have to tell people like you that your partner is cheating, but this is a close one. Your letter doesn’t have the usual red flags.. but there is cause for concern.

He really does have one ball.

Here’s how you kill two (love)birds with one stone.  Arrange a get together with him and his friends, including this woman.  Pick a fight with your husband, during which you should comment how he is “half a man who only has one ball (get it.. one stone).”  At this point, watch the woman’s reaction.  If she looks really confused, then she knows first hand you’re lying.  If she looks surprised, she probably hasn’t gotten to him yet,  and probably bought you a bit more time.  Follow that up with “still think sharing intimate details is a good idea?” and it should quickly put the issue to rest.

Do not reproduce

Dear Abby:

I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict. Please don’t print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio.

Nameless in a Red State

So not only are you a Godless fornicator, but you lie down with drug addicts?   You don’t want me to print your name not because your small town community will know you have terrible taste in sexual partners, but because you don’t want your neighbors to know that you’re dumb as a box of hair.

If you need to ask that question, you are too stupid to be having sex.  But since you asked, I’ll answer it. Only if you do anal.

This One Line Wednesday™ isn’t from a letter.  Dear Abby ends many of her columns with a pitch for her guides on several topics.  I’ll give you the same advice for free.

It ain't easy being green and popular

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order “How to Be Popular.” Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

 

Put out and have a big dick or nice tits.

Each week, I select a letter for One Line Wednesday™ and skip the usual in-depth advice and gets right to the point in one word or sentence. Think you can do better? Submit your one line response below.  Who knows, maybe eventually there will be a prize for the best one. 

While not in response to a specific question, Dan Savage stumbled upon some deeply profound advice in the most unlikeliest of places.. graffiti on a men’s room wall.

Color Changing Urinals- Write your own sex tips

I’d really like to meet the person responsible for some graffiti I spotted in the men’s room at the Cornerstone: “Don’t Raw Dog A Random.”

That has to be the most effective peer-to-peer safer-sex message I’ve ever read while taking a piss in Maryland. It did take me a second to work out exactly what it meant, as I’m old, so here’s a quick translation for other olds: “Don’t raw dog a random” means “For heaven’s sake, don’t engage in unprotected vaginal intercourse—don’t have sex without a condom—with a woman you’ve only just met, particularly if you met her in this drinking establishment. Bro.”

It’s not a failsafe strategy for avoiding sexually transmitted infections—people can get very specific STIs from completely nonrandom sex partners—but the number of STIs could be cut dramatically if all male college students everywhere refrained from raw-dogging those lovely lady randoms and vice versa. (I realize that “random” is not gendered… but if you saw this bar, you would know that an exclusively heterosexual clientele can be safely assumed. A straight boy wrote that message, and he was addressing other straight boys, and “random” refers to female pickups, not male pickups.)

I want to add that I was particularly impressed by the use of the word “random” in place of, say, “bitch,” “slut,” “whore,” or any of the other sexist/hostile/demeaning terms that college-town-bathroom-stall-graffitiing types typically use in place of “woman,” “female,” or “young lady coed.” Well done, DIY safe-sex educator!

Well done for sharing, Dan.  You nailed it!

Nailed It! features are like “Best Of” categories, for when when my fellow advice giver’s answer is so spot on, I couldn’t have said it better myself.