Unwanted Advice

Dr. Joyce Brothers advises a dead man.

Man up, you pussy

Dear Dr. Brothers: My wife is pregnant with our first child. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m feeling really unappreciated as a father-to-be. I know pregnancy is hard, and my wife’s emotions and state of mind are important to the well-being of our child, but she completely dismisses me every time I try to talk to her about what I’m

going through, especially when I’m feeling nervous about the prospect of raising a child. How can I make her see that my feelings matter too? — C.J.

Dr. Brothers offers the following advice:

Dear C.J.: With all the changes that your wife is going through, both physically and emotionally, as well as the focus on the birth process itself, it can be easy to forget that her feelings aren’t the only important ones. While your concern for your wife is important, it’s equally important to address your own feelings, both positive and negative. Lots of men feel as if sharing their fears or anxieties about pregnancy will only add to their wife’s burdens, but this likely isn’t the case. Your wife probably is nervous herself, but voicing your concerns will help you become a more involved and better father.

You can express to your wife that you are concerned about her and her feelings, but shrugging off your own fears isn’t doing any good. You also can talk to other fathers-to-be, or check out any of the many books and online resources for expectant fathers. Doing this research with your wife might help her see that there are plenty of concerns unique to new dads, and it might validate the feelings you’ve shared with her. You also should be sure to share not only your negative feelings, but also your excitement and positive feelings with your wife on an ongoing basis. Make sure that listening to you doesn’t turn into a string of complaints, but rather is a productive discussion about your future together as a family.

Dr. Brothers is certainly well-intentioned, but let’s be honest.  She hasn’t been pregnant since the Eisenhower administration. Doctors smoked in the delivery room.  Nurses and stewardesses were still attractive and young. In other words, it was a different era.

It’s 2011 and women have changed.  Ignore everything she said and listen to me very, very carefully.  For God’s sake, and your own personal safety, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT.

I understand why you think your feelings  matter, but they don’t.  Not for the next nine months. Complaining to her about your feelings is like expecting sympathy over a stubbed toe from a guy in a wheelchair.  Your problems are not playing the same sport, let alone in the same league.

YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!

Your job is to be supportive and nurturing and assuage her fears, not dumping your own on top of the pile.  You need to remember that for the nine months of her pregnancy, that is not your wife.  It is a violent, dangerous animal that will attack with the least bit of provocation.  You only have two functions. Tell her she is still attractive and get her things she wants.

Sure you can talk about this to a therapist, but for something temporary like this, save your money. You’ll get the same results at a fraction of the price from any decent bartender. Just make sure to not forget to pick up whatever random thing your wife needs from the store on the way home. Emergency room visits are expensive.

Dear Miss Manners:

Can you hear me now, bitch?

When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one’s “business”?

From Ask Carolyn:

My boyfriend says that, as of now, he doesn’t think he’ll want to have kids. (We’re both in our early 20s.) I know I do want kids, and I know “Eli” would be a great husband and father if he gave himself the chance. I think he might change his mind, and he acknowledges that indeed he might.

We love each other, share the same values and are really great friends. How long should I wait to see if Eli actually will change his mind? One year? Five years? What’s realistic? I want this to work, but I don’t want to wait forever if the same deal-breaker is at the end of the tunnel.

Wanting a child is a perfectly natural thing for a woman. It’s called the maternal instinct.  Men, who lack this instinct, see pregnancy as the beginning of hormone swings, body changes, late night feedings, diapers, college tuition and it scares the ever living shit out of them. Sure, they look forward to their woman’s boobs getting bigger, but mostly, kids are the end of freedom.  Men don’t want to have kids because they themselves are really just overgrown children… until they have kids.

What men have is the paternal instinct, which basically consists of wanting to put their penis inside you.  This, as you learned in sex-ed, is how babies are made.

It's a miracle!

I’ll tell you what Carolyn and everyone else knows, but is too responsible to actually say. There is no need to wait. You don’t technically need his permission to have his kid.  Not really. To put it another way, accidents happen, especially the ones we help happen.

Not that I would advocate such behavior, but condoms aren’t 100% effective. Especially when they are stabbed with a safety pin a few dozen times.  You have no idea how easy it is to mistake tic tacs for birth control pills.

Since you know that he will be a good father, it’s not really wrong to help nature along. You’re helping him reach his full potential.  Nothing wrong with that. You’ll be closer. Not just physically and emotionally, but financially and legally.  I’m sure even if he finds out that you had a helping hand in the unexpected bundle of joy, mother’s instinct is never wrong.

Fair warning though, your man can read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” from cover to cover and the only thing he’ll retain is “your boobs will get bigger”

Today’s One Line Wednesday™ comes from Dear Abby

Flower Girl Facepalm

Dear Abby:

My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding — that’s not the problem.

We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to “settle up” for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.

What should I do? Not a Bridesmaid

Send the maid of honor a bill in the exact amount for “Flower Girl Rental”

Each week, I select a letter for One Line Wednesday™ and skip the usual in-depth advice and gets right to the point in one word or sentence. Think you can do better? Submit your one line response below.  Who knows, maybe eventually there will be a prize for the best one.