Unwanted Advice

Dear Carolyn: Seventeen years ago I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insult after insult from my children, driven from their mother. Under no circumstances will I paint the picture that I was the perfect angel, but I never expected or deserved what I got from them.

My work had me out of state for the past seven years. During that time, I had little to no contact with my children. I came back home in December of 2010 and quickly tried to rebuild my relationship with my children thinking that now, as adults, they would be able to see that my love for them never died. I lent them money, I bent over backward to spend time with them, nothing.

This past weekend I visited my 28-year-old’s Facebook page to discover she has now declared her stepdad as “Navy Dad for life.” She bought him the T-shirt, took the picture and posted it.

Needless to say I was devastated. My plans to visit her were canceled as a result. She sent me text messages telling me I had no reason to be upset and that I would never hear an apology from her. The next day, my ex sends me a text telling me that SHE in fact bought the T-shirt for her husband and to lighten up on our daughter.

First of all, what business does my ex have buying that T-shirt? Second, how do they justify hurting me like this without taking any responsibility for their actions?

My daughter deploys next month and I don’t want her to leave under these conditions, but I will NOT stand for the disrespect from her. All four of my children are not speaking to me over this (all driven by the mother). — F.

You’ve been in parental purgatory for 17 years, and you’re planting your flag on a lousy T-shirt.

And now that I’ve said that, are you going to blame me, too, for your tattered bond with your kids?